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Who Says Space Quest Is Dead? (Page 7)Beatrice: As I was saying, I think I’d like to meet Stellar. I’m sure we could work out our problems face-to-face. Roger: I hope you don’t mean that literally, Beatrice, because if you intend to... Xandra (catcalling): Oh Mister Wiiiiiil-cooooh! Roger: What is it, Xandra? Xandra: I think it’s Steeell-aaarrrr!! Roger: Stellar! Yikes, how many more unscheduled arrivals before this is over?? Beatrice: Can’t be many, I hear that Kielbasa is a stickler for organization. Roger: That’s for sure. (Xandra comes bounding down the hallway.) Xandra: Oh my, oh my, it’s her! It’s Stellar Santiago! She’s comiiiing... Roger: When? Xandra: T-minus 20 seconds max! Roger: Well... whatever you say. Beatrice? Beatrice: Don’t worry, Roger. I won’t say anything... Xandra: Trashy? Roger: Xandra, be quiet. Xandra (sitting down on an elevated part of the hallway): Hey, I didn’t say anything! 
(After a few seconds, Stellar comes down the hallway. Roger walks toward her. Xandra looks up at both at them from her position.) Stellar: Hello, Roger. Roger: Hi Stellar. I didn’t know you were coming... Stellar: I know you didn’t. I just came here to... straighten out things with you. (Xandra mutters "Uh-oh" under her breath, Roger gives her a hard nudge in the side with his boot.) Roger: What do you mean? Stellar: Well... this is hard to explain... but a few weeks ago I got an anonymous message which had nearly all your past endeavors listed. I don’t know why I got this, but I do know that my friendship with you could be the makings of an impromptu time paradox, and I realize that you and Beatrice Wankmeister are eventually going to wind up together. Destiny is a weird thing, isn’t it? Also, the other reason I came is because I understand that a group of so-called Cleaning Droids were sold to Kielbasa. It was a scam, Roger. Roger: So that’s why those prototypes went berserk. Who made them? I never got the name. Stellar: They never told Kielbasa. It was ScumDead, Inc. Xandra: Egad! Those two gargantuan media-giants did merge after all! Geez, I’ve missed a lot! Stellar: I think the reason is you, Roger. They were taking a stab at revenge. But judging by your (and the ship’s) intactness, I guess they failed. Xandra: Again. Beatrice: That’s incredible. You must be brave to drive off a barrage of avenging robots. And... I think I know what you mean about that message, Stellar. I think I got the same document you described, believe it or leave it, and I’m also clueless. Roger: Why... who could have sent both of you the same thing? What was the... (Xandra starts rocking back and forth in her seat, whistling "Greensleeves." Roger glares at her, but Stellar suddenly grabs his shoulder, making him turn his head.) Stellar: Now, you know I like you, Roger. I know Beatrice does too. Under normal circumstances I would probably fight with her over you, but these circumstances are anything but normal. I understand your feelings for Bea, and I’m not going to object now that you have a reason, Roger. Xandra: Yeah. You’re all right, Stellar. All right. Stellar (looking at Xandra with interest): So you’re another of Roger’s admirers? Xandra: Hardly. I just like him for what he is, you know? I’m just another fan. Stellar (raising her hand to Xandra’s right ear): Well... do you mind if I scratch you here?
Xandra: Be my guest... oooooh... (she purrs in ecstasy as Stellar scratches her ear, almost falling off her perch.) Yeah, Roger. You and Bea were destined to meet... but Stellar’s still part of your life. You can’t say no to that. But you can still be friends? (Roger looks startled at hearing almost the exact same words he heard on Estros coming from Xandra. Then he looks nervous.) Stellar: Yes. I’m sure we can. And Roger? When your son is born and you have no one to watch him when you two are away... I’ll be glad to offer my help. Xandra: Yeah, Roger. Stellar gives great ear scratches... REALLY great... but it just wasn’t meant to be... (she gently pushes Stellar’s hand away.) Roger: Are you sure you aren’t Zondra the Estrosian? Xandra: I told you I’m not, Roger. Now, about Stellar’s offer... Beatrice: Wait, wait... before we talk about babysitting, we should talk about this matrimonial dilemma first. (she turns to Roger.) So, Roger... you’ve got a wide range of skills, and so have I. I’d like to have you as a husband, but I’ve got just one little question before we do anything else... (Roger looks very nervous.) Can you... cook? Roger: Well... I know how to tell if something is cooked long enough in a microwave... Beatrice: I think I’ll marry you anyway. Xandra: But... Xandra: Well, you’ve done it again, Roger! Don’t worry, it’s just the way things happen, you know? And guys like you never change, even if they’re married. Believe me. Gary Owens: I’ve noticed that, Xandra. Not only with Roger, but especially with... let’s say... organisms like you. Xandra (silently fuming in anger): Hey Gary? Did you know that only one fourth of the human eye is visible when in its socket? Gary Owens: No, I did not know that. Xandra (getting up and reaching up and above the camera view): Then you will let me yank yours out so I can get a good look at the REST of it, you impudent... Roger (pulling her back down): Hey, watch it, Xandra!! This is a family fan-fic! Xandra: All right. Well... I think I’ve spent more than enough time with you, Roger... all of you, I mean. I’ll be jack --- I mean --- catching the next shuttle back to Earth. Roger: Okay. And I’ll think about that problem with those SQ7 essentials. Xandra: Sure. Go ahead. "Thinking Allowed." Roger: Well. This has got to be the longest conversation I’ve had with any fan of Space Quest without him bringing up... (Xandra yanks him down to her level by the front of his shirt.) Xandra (whispering through her teeth): Rog, the phrase "Thinking Allowed" means you are permitted to contemplate things freely in your head, not to do it aloud. Roger (whispering back): Whoops. Xandra: It’s something personal, isn’t it? Roger: Yes. Xandra: No wonder we’re whispering. (pause) What is it? Roger: Well... it’s... ah... um... Xandra: Don’t tell me. That dress deal in SQ4-slash-10, correct? Roger: Ah... yeah. Xandra: Look, Roger: I wear dresses about as often as a Labion Terror Beast does the hula, and I am perfectly comfortable wearing clothes that look like a guy’s. Roger: Sorry I can’t say the same thing -- Oops, I mean... Xandra: Just shut up and tell us you’re going to do something for a change? Roger: Okay. (Xandra releases her grip and Roger nearly goes sprawling backwards.) Beatrice: Don’t worry, I didn’t catch any of that, Roger. Well... it was nice to meet you, Xandra. Have a safe journey back. Roger (holding Bea’s hand): And I’ll try to get all those SQ7 files transported to your planet as soon as I can. It’ll take a bit of time, but it’ll get there. (pause) So you’re really leaving now, Xandra? Xandra: Well... on second thought... I think I’ll wait around for the end of Space Quest 7. So... have you heard about any Astro Chicken 3? Previous page | Next page |
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